Remember your last argument? Neither of you remember how it started or what it was about and before you know it it’s off to the races.
Twenty minutes later a great comeback pops into your head … Aha! “Damn, I wish would have said that instead. Why couldn’t I think at the time?”
Because of Lizard Brain and our brain’s hard wiring, did you know we cannot manage our emotions?
The good news is we can learn to manage our behavior and respond instead of react to our emotions. The bad news is it is harder than we think. The good news is “practice makes permanent.”
A complaining customer, a whiny child, an out of control teen or a grumpy boss, at some point we all lose our cool. People push our buttons and we feel irritated, frustrated, overwhelmed and sometimes we just explode. Or, we hold it in, tell ourselves it’s no big deal, it doesn’t matter what I do, it won’t make a difference what I say, so I’ll say nothing and pretend it’s okay and march on (a recipe for stress-related disease).
Either way, we feel regret, shame, and humiliation at how we’ve just lost our temper again. Here come the “should’ve-s”: I should’ve known better, stayed calm, counted to ten, remembered what happened last time I lost my temper. Lizard Brain makes it impossible to act on the should’ve-s, and here’s why.
What is Lizard Brain?
The part of the brain responsible for survival, our amygdala, an almond-shaped area at the base of our brain way down deep and part of our limbic system, otherwise known as “fight or flight central” still exists, even though we are no longer running from saber toothed tigers. Otherwise knows as “reptilian brain” or “Lizard Brain.”
The good news is our brain has evolved since we were cave dwellers. Today, humans have complex language, use tools to make and fix things, and send people into outer space, due to the evolution of the Pre-Frontal Cortex. But before the “thinking” part of the brain evolved, our reactions were dictated by Lizard Brain.
Despite the existence of the Pre-Frontal Cortex and our ability to reason, in response to stress (even perceived stress), our limbic system goes into high gear and our fight, flight or freeze response gets activated. This is an automatic, instinctive reaction and there’s no thinking or deciding involved.
Triggers might be his/her yelling or icy stare and can often include what I call Universal Lizard Brain Words such as (hands on hips, finger wagging eye rolling optional): Why did you …? You always or You never …! You should… No!
Our limbic system has been triggered and Lizard Brain is now in charge. We feel emotionally hijacked and now our “thinking brain” is rendered helpless. These triggers can bring up strong emotions (i.e., pain) from the past right into the present moment, as if it’s happening all over again. The Lizard’s primary responsibility is to protect us from perceived harm. The Lizard has now jumped into the driver’s seat and we are in the back, a passenger hanging on for dear life, yet the road is oddly, comfortably “familiar.”
How come Lizard Brain happens repeatedly to highly intelligent people? Because it’s not about IQ or an inability to learn from past mistakes. It’s just the default wiring of our very human brain.
The Lizard Brain(LB) switches off the Thinking Brain, or the Pre-Frontal Cortex (PFC), where reasoning, understanding happens and which explains why your aha! moment after an argument comes later in time, probably after a few deep, belly breaths when the reactive
Lizard Brain is no longer driving the bus and your Pre-Frontal Cortex gets the oxygen it needs to regain control. It’s a myth that if we understand “why” we react then we will automatically be able to respond calmly next time our buttons get triggered. The rational PFC can’t always prevent the LB from engaging, it’s out powered and just not that evolved. It is impossible to “not feel” a feeling. Not a weakness, just wiring. So, stop trying.
What’s the Good News?
The good news comes from recent scientific discoveries that our brains aren’t hard and set like concrete at age three, which is what neuroscientists (brain researchers) believed until very recently. Neuroplasticity is the good news. Our brains can and do make new connections and build new neural pathways by the millions every day, most of which we are not even aware of …. Scary.
How? By changing your habits and creating new neural pathways, the process is actually quite simple. Becareful not to confuse the two – I said simple, but not easy. Change is hard, but not impossible.
Pick one person or situation that triggers your Lizard (the holidays are coming up, it won’t be hard family gives us ample opportunity to practice).
Begin by simply noticing opportunities to recognize Lizard Brain as it creeps up on you or identify situations where Lizard Brain gets triggered.
Next, we’re going to create a new habit or neural pathway.
1. Notice the pattern – Simply become an observer of the pattern, as if you are watching from the sidelines. What has to happen to trigger your own, your partner’s or your bosses Lizard Brain? Describe the pattern sequence to yourself or someone else. Do you react to “Lizard Brain Words?” If so, which ones? Do you use them with others? Notice what happens when you replace a judgmental Why did you …? question with a sincere question, for instance How do you see it? When asked with genuine curiosity, words such as What or How land differently than Why and allow you to create more productive pathways in your brain (and his/her brain).
2. Acknowledge the emotion – Use your powers of observation without judgment (ban the should’ve-s). Notice the opportunity to acknowledge the emotion without feeling you “should” change it, stop it, or judge it as “bad” or “wrong.” Instead, see what happens when you respond with an emotion such as curiosity and words such as “Mmm, interesting …” (with your eyebrows up, please!). See if you can get a little distance and prevent an emotional hijack by observing the conversation, as if you were a bystander.
3. Rename the feeling – Label or rename the feeling (not the person, not their motivation, not their intention) as “sad, scared, hurt” instead of ANGRY. Anger is actually not a primary or real emotion, it is a secondary emotion, just a “safer” feeling and often hides primary emotions such as Sad, Scared or Hurt. When we believe someone is angry, our LB gets activated and we can feel defensive. When we can re-label anger as “Sad, Scared or Hurt” or a combination of those feelings, the part of our brain responsible for empathy is engaged, the Lizard can get out of the driver’s seat and our thinking brain can work again.
Practice makes perfect and new neural pathways. Changing our behavior or learning to do something new takes awareness, intention, action and practice. Just like when you learned to ski, ride or play the guitar. There’s no way around it.
By understanding a few simple facts about how our brain works and making small adjustments to the words we use and practice.
Hint: Just the act of imagining yourself taking these steps will create new neural pathways because our brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s imagined and what’s real), you can create new habits and stay cool under pressure, lower your blood pressure and, as crazy as it sounds, begin to see conflict as an opportunity for practice (and have a little fun, too).
Christina Haxton, MA LMFT is the Chief Potential Officer & Founder of Sustainable Leadership. An executive coach, business consultant and speaker, Christina assists busy business owners, high potential managers, executives and CEOs to achieve successful work/life balance and peace of mind to become exceptional leaders who are built to last. For more information about leadership training or presentations for your team, meeting or conference, contact Christina at email@example.com or (970) 387-8935.
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My first opportunity to consciously stand up for my professional and philosophical beliefs about Professional Intimacy occurred in 1994. In the last year of my Master’s program, my thesis involved research on the process of creating a successful business partnership.
Using Appreciative Inquiry, our process resulted in a model of a synergistic triangle consisting of three equally key ingredients, where 1 + 1 = 3 (I was never good at math, but this makes sense … read on):
In the early 1990′s the unspoken, unwritten rule in the business world was “Don’t Talk About Relationships, feelings or any of the soft, fluffy stuff humans were made of when delivering leadership or management training or when speaking to businesses, managers or executive leaders about improving productivity or performance. I was directed to leave that stuff at the door and talk about “real” skills. Don’t feel … just get to work!
I followed this advice for a while and felt my hands (and credibility) were tied behind my back.
Then I ignoring that advice. After 12 years in business, our design resulted in not only building our own successful business and partnership, but also served as a model for our clients to build sustainable partnerships.
Through the process of developing Professional Intimacy as defined in my thesis in 1994 and even to this day, I continued to learn and grow both intra-personally and inter-personally as a result.
The truth is this: We learn and grow in relationship, not in isolation. Following the old rule and disregarding the complex and dynamic relationship systems we create through all of our relationships, however brief, is ridiculous.
Here’s the point: My thesis was nominated for publication in the college journal … an honor, for sure. However, the committee stated it would only be considered for publication only if I changed the title.
They objected to the phrase I used to symbolize our design for a successful business partnership: Professional Intimacy.
Because sexual harassment in the workplace was such a touchy (pun intended) topic in the early 90′s, the committee frowned upon my use of the phrase in the title. I stood my ground on principle because even though the rule was “Don’t talk about RELATIONSHIPS and WORK in the same sentence.” I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) in good conscience back down. Besides, I have a strong oppositional reflex.
I ran across the dusty, bound thesis years later and wondered …
“Did I do the right thing in standing up for my values?”
“Would my career path have changed had I decided to belly up?”
“Would I have been able to help more people sooner?”
I suppose I’ll never know… What would you have done?
PS. Check out Chapter 19: “Professional Intimacy: The key to being a Sustainable Leader” in the book “The Character Based Leader: Instigating a leadership revolution one person at a time” on Amazon or your favorite bookseller.
Congratulations on your new position! Your climb to the top is well deserved. But when the shine wears off, you soon may be faced with a HUGE problem for which you were not prepared:
Your biggest challenge is not mastering the technical aspects of your job. That’s the easy part.
The biggest challenge you (and one you may find you have the least control over which has the biggest impact on your success) is your team’s ability to work together with ease.
Because people bring their stress, negativity and sometimes difficult personalities to work, they can’t just leave their emotions at the door when they come to work.
And, you can’t do it either. Emotions are contagious!
#1: Emotions are contagious! Literally. The human brain contains “mirror neurons” which are like antennae for emotion (e-motion = energy in motion).
Strategy #1: When you find the person you are talking to beginning to get “stressed out” (i.e., holding their breath, raising their voice, tensing their jaw or fists) ….
When you are truly listening to the other person and get a response you were not going for or are surprised about (their frustration, for example), use the steps above to “Check in and check it out…” Then, listen again to their response (what they thought they heard you say will not be what you meant). Don’t see this as your opportunity to get angry, just take a “re-do” and say, “Okay, you heard me say (blah blah blah), can I say it differently?” Asking permission seldom gets a “no” so you will likely get a “yes.” Then rephrase your statement and move forward.
What is your best advice to new senior managers when it comes to turning conflict into consensus?
Your ability to address, manage and eliminate conflict will have a direct impact on your team’s ability to have confidence and to put their unquestioned trust you and your leadership skills.
And a few might even be taking bets on how long you last … You need these skills.
Click the link below for more information (and the first 20 fast action takers get extra bonuses and audios!)
To Your Sustainable Leadership!
PS. Post your comments and best advice below for newly hired or recently promoted senior managers who are experiencing an undercurrent of conflict in their new team[sharebox5_no_border] [/sharebox5_no_border]
It was interesting to see the negative, almost painful in some cases, visceral reaction so many people had when remembering their worst boss.
Great Bosses & Horrible Bosses
For just a moment, remember your favorite boss. You know, the one you said
you would follow anywhere if he or she ever left the company. The boss for whom you came in early and stayed late for to meet a promised project deadline. How would you describe his or her overall mood? How did you feel when you were working for him or her?
Now, remember the boss you would never work for again in a million years. The boss you worked really hard to avoid being in the same room with for longer than necessary. The boss you had when hiding under your desk or in your closet was not beneath you. How would you describe his or her overall mood? How did you feel when you were around him or her?
Surprised? Probably not. Now, here’s the tough question:
If I walked in the front door of your office or showed up at your next team meeting, how would I describe the mood of the people who work for you?
Neural Wi-Fi: Peas & the Interpersonal Neurobiology of Leadership
Pretend for a moment you are spoon feeding peas to a baby sitting in a high chair. What do you do? As you are putting the spoon to her lips, what do you subconsciously do with your mouth (whether you like smooshed peas or not) … You got it, you OPEN your mouth and make an aaahhhh sound, in a sometimes desperate attempt to get her to do the same. Why? It works most of the time. Instinct. Mirror neurons.
The truth is, recent research in brain science proves that for humans (and I’ll add chimps and horses), emotions are actually contagious because of mirror neurons. The short explanation is mirror neurons in our brains are responsible for our “catching” the mood of other people without realizing it. Add to that fascinating fact that our brains are prediction machines and constantly are making connections to predict the future based on our past experiences. Your grumpy boss could be in a good mood on Friday, however your brain won’t realize it and will automatically predict (or believe), he’s his usually grumpy self.
E-motion = Energy in Motion
Why does this matter for leaders, bosses or other people of influence? If you can believe that your mood is reflected in the mood of your team, you may or may not like what you see in the “mirror.”
What? … So What?… NOW WHAT?
While you may read this and understand or you are reading it for the first time and think Wow! that makes sense, what’s the “So What?” Understanding is overrated. It does not automatically lead to action or doing anything differently tomorrow. Unless you make a commitment to take action and the more accountable you are publicly the greater the odds you harness the action potential of your Aha! moment and transfer it into action. Feel free to consider using the ACE approach to change:
1. Awareness: Notice your mood. Notice the mood of others. Label the feeling (without judgement is the key).
2. Choice: How do you like what you see in the mirror? If it’s what you want, keep going. If it’s not what you want, what choices do you have in the moment?
3. Execution: What is one small action you are willing to take in that moment? You don’t have to effect change on anything, just take action to make it different.
4. Repeat #1 What information did you gather? What choice do you want to make now? What action will you take next? Just like directions on shampoo, rinse, lather and repeat.
Accountability: What are you willing to do in the next 24 hours to recognize and change the effect you have on the people in your company? If you have the courage, feel free to post your commitment in the Comment box below. (If you are not quite that brave, feel free to email me directly. All responses are strictly confidential!).
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(Original post written for LeadChangeGroup Blog by Christina Haxton, MA LMFT)
Your behaviors are a result of your feelings … which are a result of BS!
Believe it or not, that’s good news …
Because there IS one question you can ask yourself to turn STRESS into PEACE …
Find out what this question is (and the other 20 Ways Managers & Leaders Can Eliminate Workplace Stress) on a free webinar:
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Watch your language!
To eliminate “lizard brain” (the emotional hijack caused by stress) avoid asking questions like “Why did you ..??” “WHY can’t you …?” “WHY don’t you …?” “WHY?” not only results in the listener feeling defensive, but also rarely matters when we are looking for solutions to a problem.
A better question effective leaders ask begins with “what” or “how” and helps people think. One example is asked with genuine curiosity (remember to manage your frustration first) … “What did you hope would happen by doing XYZ?”
Then, if you want people to trust you, shut up and listen.
To get the other 20 Ways to Eliminate Leadership Stress for You AND Your Team, click the link below to register for a free webinar:
Stress causes more than just physical symptoms. Did you know stress in the workplace erodes trust, productivity and creativity of you and your team?
Discover 21 Ways to Eliminate Stress to be able to do your best work, feel happier and more satisfied at the end of the day (and help your team do so, too!)
You know them: the managers who ignore the fact that human beings don’t (actually can’t) “leave their feelings at the door” when they come to work.
These managers ignore conflict and avoid confrontation, especially when there’s a “pot-stirrer” in the office and everyone is just wishing the boss would step up and put and end to he drama so we can all just get the job done.
This boss will suffer the consequences: a slow, painful erosion of the trust … or worse.
Read the rest of my article over here: Leaders: Do you lead, manage or are you just in charge?
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Congratulations on your promotion (or maybe you are in line for one) … but don’t celebrate too soon. Did you know almost 50% of newly promoted or newly hired executives get fired or quit before within the first 18 months on the job?
The expectations are high (yours and theirs) and yet there’s so much you don’t know about the people, the culture and the “unspoken rules.”
On top of that, you must get up to speed quickly so you can hit the ground running and feel satisfied at the end of the day.
You’re invited to see the webinar replay now available through June 17th:
Discover the pitfalls you need to avoid and understand the critical strategies new leaders must practice to eliminate “leadership stress” and earn the trust of your new team … so you don’t end up a statistic.
Here are just two of the biggest mistakes new leaders make:
Pitfall #1: Failure to understand why change (even “good” change) is hard and most change initiatives fall flat (and this includes your presence, even if your predecessor was a miserable manager). Hint: Small change over a period of time leads to lasting, long term change. Scale down a change initiative into an “experiment” in one department or with one small group first, instead of rolling it out company wide and crossing your fingers it takes hold.
Pitfall #2: Believing that understanding the problem alone is enough to make change happen. Don’t fall into the trap of “over-analysis” or worse, who’s to blame for the problem. Ask better questions to find solutions and take action as soon as possible. “What is good about this problem?” and “What is not perfect yet?” are just two of the five questions teams need to feel creative and take decisive steps to action.
(The bottom line is you’ll want to have these tools to accelerate your leadership effectiveness for the long haul, too.)
Questions? Comments? Advice for new leaders? Post your thoughts below!
“The Neuroscience of Leadership Stress: Myths & Solutions for Busy Professionals, Managers & Executives”
“What Your Brain Wishes You Knew About Leadership Stress & 5 Simple Solutions to Successfully Do More With Less & Have Fun Doing It!”
We all experience stress and to a certain degree need it to be motivated into action. Left unchecked, even low levels of chronic stress will not only reduce your ability to solve problems and make decisions, your stress will reduce your team’s productivity and engagement. Click here to listen to the webinar replay (available for a limited time only):