Tag Archives for " controlling emotions "

Leaders: Your emotions are contagious!

Great Bosses & Horrible Bosses

For just a moment, remember your favorite boss.  You know, the one you said

you would follow anywhere if he or she ever left the company.  The boss for whom you came in early and stayed late for to meet a promised project deadline.  How would you describe his or her overall mood?  How did you feel when you were working for him or her?

Now, remember the boss you would never work for again in a million years.  The boss you worked really hard to avoid being in the same room with for longer than necessary.   The boss you had when hiding under your desk or in your closet was not beneath you.  How would you describe his or her overall mood?  How did you feel when you were around him or her?

Surprised?  Probably not.  Now, here’s the tough question:

If I walked in the front door of your office or showed up at your next team meeting, how would I describe the mood of the people who work for you?

Neural Wi-Fi:  Peas & the Interpersonal Neurobiology of Leadership

Pretend for a moment you are spoon feeding peas to a baby sitting in a high chair.  What do you do?  As you are putting the spoon to her lips, what do you subconsciously do with your mouth (whether you like smooshed peas or not) … You got it, you  OPEN your mouth and make an aaahhhh sound, in a sometimes desperate attempt to get her to do the same.  Why?  It works most of the time.  Instinct. Mirror neurons.

The truth is, recent research in brain science proves that for humans (and I’ll add chimps and horses), emotions are actually contagious because of mirror neurons.  The short explanation is mirror neurons in our brains are responsible for our “catching” the mood of other people without realizing it. Add to that fascinating fact that our brains are prediction machines and constantly are making connections to predict the future based on our past experiences.  Your grumpy boss could be in a good mood on Friday, however your brain won’t realize it and will automatically predict (or believe), he’s his usually grumpy self.

E-motion = Energy in Motion

Why does this matter for leaders, bosses or other people of influence?  If you can believe that your mood is reflected in the mood of your team, you may or may not like what you see in the “mirror.”

What? … So What?… NOW WHAT?

While you may read this and understand or you are reading it for the first time and think Wow!  that makes sense, what’s the “So What?”  Understanding is overrated.  It does not automatically lead to action or doing anything differently tomorrow.  Unless you make a commitment to take action and the more accountable you are publicly the greater the odds you harness the action potential of your Aha! moment and transfer it into action.  Feel free to consider using the ACE approach to change:

1.  Awareness:  Notice your mood.  Notice the mood of others.  Label the feeling (without judgement is the key).

2.  Choice:  How do you like what you see in the mirror?  If it’s what you want, keep going.  If it’s not what you want, what choices do you have in the moment?

3. Execution:  What is one small action you are willing to take in that moment?  You don’t have to effect change on anything, just take action to make it different.

4.  Repeat #1 What information did you gather?  What choice do you want to make now?  What action will you take next?  Just like directions on shampoo, rinse, lather and repeat.

Accountability: What are you willing to do in the next 24 hours to recognize and change the effect you have on the people in your company?  If you have the courage, feel free to post your commitment in the Comment box below.  (If you are not quite that brave, feel free to email me directly.  All responses are strictly confidential!).

“The Human Moment at Work” – Harvard Business Review article

“The Key Ingredients to Build Rapport” – Daniel Goleman, YouTube

 

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(Original post written for LeadChangeGroup Blog by Christina Haxton, MA LMFT)

The Top 3 Mistakes New Managers & Leaders Make (and How to Avoid Them)

(originally posted at Lead Change Blog)

Whether you are a newly promoted manager, recently hired executive or have been in your position for some time, odds are if you are not ahead of the game, you may make one or more of these potentially costly mistakes:

Mistake #1: Ignoring the obvious

What it looks like: You are the “new person on the block” and there is an unspoken awkwardness between you and your team. A sense of the “unknown” and maybe even some mistrust, depending on whose shoes your are filling and how he or she performed.

Our very social brains “circle” each other, feeling out the other person. Sounds creepy? No, it is normal for our mirror neurons to want to “see” the other person and attempt to predict what you are going to do or say next.

Yet, in this process and especially under stress (i.e., the unknown future), our brains often anticipate the worst case scenario, like “He’s too quiet … just like the last boss and we don’t know what he’s thinking … maybe he’s going to fire us all.” Or “She hasn’t asked us how we have been doing things well around here for years … she’s going to just do it her way no matter what we say.”

Mistake #2: Failing to manage your emotions

I have seen more senior leaders and CEO’s have two year old temper tantrums than my own children did at two. Why is this? My experience has been more senior executives get referred for performance coaching than mid-level managers due to their inability to manage their temper. Is it because top executives are unwilling (or unable?) to manage their emotions? Is it because they don’t see a need to do so and the stress builds up along the way until you explode? Or are managers more afraid of losing their opportunity for promotion if they show their frustration, and are therefore more proactive?

My guess:  It is becoming increasingly difficult to manage the overwhelming responsibilities and variables inherent in the Top Dog position.  Richard Boyatzis, author of Resonant Leadership and numerous research articles in area of Leadership Developement, describes “Power Stress” as a unique stress experienced by leaders who in addition to their everyday stress, feel additional responsiblity for the welfare and well being of others: employees, shareholders, etc. The cost of failing is higher, therefore the stress is higher. Stress results in dis-ease … put those two words together and you’ll get the wake up call physically in the form of high blood pressure, heart problems and other stress-related conditions.

Because of the mirror neurons described earlier, when you are come into the office with a scowl or bark at your staff or worse yet use sarcasm or criticism as a management weapon, because emotions are contagious, you’ve just infected everyone you come into contact with. Now your staff are “carriers” and spread the negativity like the flu to others, including your customers.

Mistake #3: Refusing to acknowledge small wins by your team

Have you ever noticed it’s easier to pay attention to what people do wrong than what they do right? This may be for several reasons. First, because our brains are hard-wired to notice the negative more readily and easily (especially under stressful conditions). Second, noticing the negative and ignoring the positive may have been learned. By this I mean your belief that your team doesn’t need recognition for doing their job, because that is what they are paid to do.

Research described in Amabile & Kramer’s book “The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins To Ignite Joy, Engagement, And Creativity At Work” demonstrates people NEED to recognize small progress and small wins. It truly is the little positive things that make a big difference in our internal world. Yet, ironically the small wins get overshadowed by the BIG screw ups (or even the little screw ups) we experience throughout the day both in our internal world or external environment.  Small wins win BIG.

So focus on finding the small wins and acknowledging the progress we make is not a sign of weakness or patronizing … as long as it is genuinely felt and communicated.

What about the other mistakes not on this list? Yes, these are just the top three I’ve noticed recently with my coaching clients … what would you add to the list and more importantly what have you done to prevent or resolve the mistake?

 

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3 Steps for Leaders to Build Trust: #1 … Reveal your softer side

How to reveal your softer side to employees

To become a trusted leader, communicate with compassion and try to connect personally with team members, writes Christina Haxton, who offers a three-step process for becoming a more empathetic leader. The first step is to reflect on your own personality to strengthen your emotional intelligence, she writes.

Read all three steps here:

SmartBrief/SmartBlog on Leadership

 

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Why ignoring our emotions is a bad idea

How do you handle emotions in the workplace, either your own or your employees‘ emotions?

You’ve probably heard (or believe) you should:

  • Keep your feelings to yourself, don’t let anyone see you sweat.
  • Avoid talking about the feelings when an employee is obviously upset, because you think it would “get too personal” or turn into a therapy session.
  • Tell yourself “it doesn’t matter” when you get the “here’s some feedback for you” email (cc’d to your boss or other team members).

That’s not only bad advice … recent research in the field of cognitive social neuroscience (in English, how our brain works and why we do what we do) proves it’s impossible “not to feel.”

Stay tuned for what you can do instead … but meanwhile, what are your thoughts on “emotions in the workplace?”